Reclaiming an intimately minded marriage

*Disclaimer and Fair Warning*

If you are not married, in a committed adult relationship, did not just have a baby or about to have a baby or if you’re not over the age of 18 you should probably refrain from reading this post. However, if you feel you are mature enough to read and not cringe or feel awkward reading this post, then by all means continue on. This subject is not to be taken lightly and because I am completely aware of that, please refrain from negatively commenting on this post or reporting it. This discussion is 100% natural, mature, and needed by so many. I would of never wrote this had I not seen a need and physically heard of needs for help.

Where to start…I guess I can give a little of my own background; let’s start with marriage because that’s literally where my sex life began. I was the type of wife who would refrain from experimenting when it came to intimacy or sex with my husband…it was bing, bang, boom! And done. Clean up. Shower. Then sleep. I was mostly content with it and I imagined my husband was too…except we weren’t, but both of us (mostly me) were too shy and nervous to try new things. Before marriage or babies Many construed ideas contributed to my feelings about sex and that was mostly because I knew nothing about it. I honestly thought sex would just be really beautiful, feel really good, and just happen every single day for the rest of our lives…and I have to be honest it was nothing like that for us after getting married. I used to feel dirty or ashamed after sex with my husband and those feeling all attributed to just not realizing and being taught that this beautiful gift from God was literally suppose to make me feel beautiful, happy, intimate, sexy and close to my husband. I was clueless and uninformed. No one explained that sex might hurt, or that you really had to work on being intimate. Now as an adult I realize talking to your mature children about sex is really important for their future and it will help them in the long run (another topic for another day). About 2 1/2 years into marriage we threw a baby into the mix and sex or any touching was off the table for quite a while. It was rather a non-discussed topic, a far away dream, even a long lost friend and I felt completely hopeless. After having our baby, Not only did I hate sex or was scared to try it again, but now I didn’t even want to be touched or seen naked. I had to realize a much needed truth, Sex is so beneficial and needed to feel connected in marriage! Thankfully After almost 5 years of marriage, after a baby, and even with my squishy postpartum body, I’m blessed to say I’m having fun, beautiful and feel good sex and finally the most amazing intimate relationship with my husband. It was not easy. We’ve had a lot of awkward conversations. We’ve basically had to start over from scratch. Forget what the world and mainstream media says sex has to be and made it our own magic…Now I’ve decided that one of my missions in life is to make sure not only My husband and I are enjoying sex, but that others; after marriage, and after baby, are too. Sex needs to be an open conversation, not hidden away or looked down upon, but because it is, people are suffering, good marriages and strong relationships are really suffering. Sex is perhaps the most normal part of life and it should be treated as such in marriage. There must come a time when people stop gasping and acting shocked when hearing that sex can and should be fun for both parties and in turn take a seat and listen, take time and really figure what works for one another in their relationship. Need advice? in pain? never in the mood? Depressed? Please talk to your doctor! See a pelvic floor therapist or even just a regular therapist! Get help! just don’t suffer. Ask the questions you think no one asks, because trust me everyone is thinking the same thing you are. Let today be the day that you refuse to let this very important part of your relationship fade away.

Having sex after having a baby basically goes something like “Hey I know we had sex to make this baby and you’ve seen me naked about a billion times, I also know what you’ve seen my body go through during childbirth…so this is awkward because I feel like a potato and I really don’t want you to look at any part of my body…especially my vagina! But I’m going to let you put your penis inside of it. Ugh! Maybe…possibly. We’ll see when we get there. Just give me time and don’t rush me and I’m probably going to wear this oversized Harry Potter T-shirt the whole time. Okay? “

It’s so common for new moms to act like they are fine after having a baby, that their life, their parenthood and their sex life is perfect, when it might be so far from it. These words are as realistic and raw all at once and more than likely going to make you check over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking. In all seriousness some very important, needed truths and aides are about to get laid down and you’ll want to pay close attention and take notes whether you are pre or post kids. The way I’ve laid this out Is in list form because that’s what I love most and it’s easier to come back to. I’ll be discussing what has helped in my marriage and then get more into detail. I’m doing this because maybe some of these ideas you’ve never thought to try…or maybe you have decided there is no such thing as desirable sex after a baby and you need help finding your sexual self again. You may possibly want to screen shot your most favorite points in this post and send to your spouse because you’re absolutely determined to enjoy sex again. I don’t know how this will help you, but I am 100% sure it can. My mission is that you’ll find relief in knowing that your sex life is not over after a baby. Sex is extremely important and I’m happy to say great sex and intimacy after having a baby is possible, but baby steps may be required. I was shocked to find actual good and useful information about getting back into the “groove” of things and my reaction when I started my own journey back to enjoying sex has been absolute relief. It has taken time and discussions with my husband. Regaining my sexual being took a lot of Researching, reading blogs and listening to podcasts (fkn honey and the milk and honey podcast), and praying specifically for my husband and I to find intimacy again. I had to figure out what worked for me and my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still have hard days and as much as I love my husband, I still struggle. I have this love hate relationship with my body and that hate can easily pour over into hating anything to do with sex and I know many moms can relate to these feeling. Try to work on avoiding thoughts that creep in so easily “does he think I’m fat?” Or the “I wonder if he notices my stretch marks” Girl…trust me it is the furthest, if even at all on his mind. Being intimate with my husband after having a baby was really hard, but it was so important for our marriage to function and for us to be close again. And so we begin, yes I said begin, that whole montage was just to prepare you and make sure you’re willing and ready to be here for this conversation. So grab your preferred drink, and snack make sure you have about 30 minutes…let’s get started!

Intimacy again:

1. Self care

2. Check yo self

3. Day dates

4. Long kisses

5. Be promiscuous

6. Mid-day Touching

7. 5 minute Massages

8. Plan your sex

9. The 3 minute game

10. Shower together

11. Day sex or sex first

Consider this list before having a baby and if you’re trying to become pregnant as well. These are important and crucial for our relationships to function once baby is here and of course after you are cleared for sexual activity from your doctor.

Self care: Look, you have to care for yourself before you jump back into the mindset of sex and pleasure. If you’re not happy with yourself, your body, you habits, the way your nails or hair look…you’re going to think about how tired and unappreciated you are and sex is going to come very far and few between just because you don’t feel beautiful or appreciated enough for it. Take time on yourself. Even if that means having someone watch your baby while you sit in a Coffee shop for an hour reading or if you take two hours off of work to take a nap and do a face mask. Start a hobby. Start exercising. Just care for yourself. It doesn’t have to be big, but it has to be important. This need must be met in order for you to find the beauty in your intimacy as well accepting the importance of your sex life again. If you’re taken care of out of the bedroom then you’re much more likely to make sure you’re taken care of in the bedroom.

CHECK YO SELF

How’s your vagina? Is it dry? Itchy? Are you breastfeeding? If so you’re going to have to really work to get “in the mood”. Breastfeeding really puts you in “mom only” mode therefore husband’s prepare to put in the work to get your wife in the mood, it’s gonna take a lot of gentle touch and patience. If you have never needed to use lubrication before, you may find that you need it and that’s totally normal. You can thank your hormones for basically turning off your vaginal fluid faucet, but just know pleasure is not that far out of your reach. Coconut oil is amazing lubricant or just good ole K.Y. Maybe your vagina hurts and feels like it’s falling out…maybe you tore after childbirth or maybe your c-section scar makes your whole lower pelvis always feel constantly tense, (hi, me!) well there is a specialist for all of this. It’s called a Pelvic Floor Therapist, these geniuses help women get their pelvic floor back into shape. I personally never saw one because I practiced a lot of muscle stretches and self care massages on my own after doing a ton of research and realizing I needed to release a lot of tension. You may think this sounds silly, but there are professional people who can help you have comfortable sex after childbirth especially if you’re finding sex extremely painful or if you’re unable to be touched at all. Talk to your Doc or Midwife and request a referral to see a pelvic floor therapist if you’re at the 6 weeks mark and still not quite ready to try sex again. You may also want to take a look down there for yourself. Seriously. Take out the mirror and look at your vagina. Get an idea of what you’re working with. She is yours to take care of and you need to get to know her in her new found glory. Get to know your vagina and you’ll get to have your orgasms back.

Day dates: Ready to start exploring sex again with your partner but feeing nervous around them even though they just saw the worst of you during childbirth? Yea…that’s postpartum for you. The best thing you can do right now; Go on a day date and Talk with your lover about where you want to start with sex again. While on this day date, be sure to Hold hands, wear something cute, talk about getting away together, Enjoy your favorite fast food, take a walk together, and yes, talk about those sex positions you want to try. Even if you Take just two hours to enjoy one another, in public, this will help immensely. Try to discuss getting back into having sex again and discuss what you want and how you want it. Day dates will bring you closer together and give you that one on one time you need together without having to tend to your little one constantly.

LONG KISSES: This is important! You’re going to forget about kissing each other in the midst of having a new little kissable baby around then all the sudden you forget what it’s like making out or even just kissing your spouse. So my advice, even if you’re not able to have sex in the moment or perhaps your body is just not ready…try to remember to kiss just because or if baby is asleep, make out. Sometimes this helps relax you and can often lead to other things, and that is totally perfect! Kiss intentionally and passionately…there are always “other things” that can be done if either of you get in the mood but you’re not doctor cleared.

Mid-day touching: This does not have to be sexual unless you of course want it to be. Touching, massaging, caressing, playing with hair, rubbing your spouse’s back…these are all ways you can ask or be asked to be touched. Touching during the day, even when you’re not cleared for sex can help avoid tension or awkwardness in the bedroom, especially when you do start having sex again. Also this is for the dads: Be sure to touch your wife gently, avoid her vaginal area until you know she’s ready and always, always ask if she wants to be touched even if she’s “doc cleared” you want to be 100% sure you’re not setting each other up for a turn down, tension or a fight. Our postpartum bodies are extremely tender and we’re still trying to navigate them just as much as you are. The basic rules of touching our postpartum bodies: Be gentle, ask permission, and don’t assume we’re ready/asking for sex if we want a massage.

Be promiscuous: Finally ready for sex? You’ve talked about it, discussed what you would try and how, and the pain has finally subsided…but where do you begin!? This is a fun way to get things hot and heavy again. Try the moves and positions you’ve always wanted! If you want to dance for your partner, then dance, strip, tease them…make getting back into sex and awakening your sexual self fun and almost like it’s brand new all over again. Being promiscuous can also be something you do while you’re out and about…and you know what I mean. Being secretively promiscuous in public makes it so much more fun when you get home. Always, always follow through and let sex be an exciting adventure.

Take turns doing 5 minute massages: I am talking whole body massages and really working and taking your time on the areas of the body that need it most. This is a good way to become comfortable with physical touch again especially since being home with a newborn all day can make you feel very touched out and tense. Allow yourself to melt in your significant others hands…also use coconut oil…because most times massages can turn into sex and coconut oil is the best lubricant.

Plan you sex: I know this may sound weird, but I’m convinced any couple with kids must do this in order to have a great sex life. When you plan anything intentionally; you make sure it gets done. I used to think this was dumb and would lead to boring sex, but ever since we’ve planned having sex at least twice a week we 100% stay committed to our plans and sometimes we’re even able to squeeze in more. I’ve also heard that this is beneficial for couples who may not have kids, but still live extremely busy lives. If you feel you ever put sex last or you’re not making it a priority, plan it and watch that change. Trust me, planning time away from everything just to be intimate or to have sex with the person you love most really puts everything else you do or plan into perspective.

The 3 minute game: This game has helped grow our intimacy and has allowed us to really get to know what the other likes physically. I learned about this game from a sex therapist, mind you I would of thought something I’m about to tell you is lame and not worth your time, but after doing it myself I’ve will always vouch for it and preach that it is so worth it and so beautiful. Here is the way it works; You ask your partner “What would you like me to do to you for your pleasure” and you do that thing for a least 3 minutes with permission. Then you ask “What would you like to do to me for your pleasure” and proceed to do that physical thing for 3 minutes or more. Then you flip the questions and your spouse asks you these same questions. The beautiful thing about this game is it really gives you an idea of what you and your spouse find pleasure in; weather it be sexual or not…because pleasure does not always have to mean its sexual. You can ask for them to play with your hair, run their fingers over your body, massage your feet, kiss every freckle or birthmark they find. Pleasure is something that you enjoying doing or have being done to you, if this game leads to sex; perfect! If not, then that’s okay to. Use this to learn more about one another intimately and physically. And remember to PLAN a night to play the game. Our first time doing this was a two hour long night of the most beautiful, much needed intimacy and I think we were both extremely pleased sexually and just overall mentally.

Shower together: Now with a newborn I can see why you made hold off on this, however it never hurt to drag the rock-n-play with the sleeping baby inside to the bathroom while you enjoy a hot, relaxing shower together. It also helps that the shower has a white noise effect. If you’re finding it hard to be naked around your significant other this is a perfect opportunity to find your comfort with them again, showering together will help you relax and allow them to become familiar with your new body. This does not have to lead to hot, steamy shower sex, however it’s totally fine if it does and it’s super easy clean up, but this can just be the time you spend together, relaxed, talking about your day, or letting your spouse wash your hair or help you shave. Showering together will leave you both with a sense of peace and calm and hopefully ready for bed. Make a point to do this at least once a week because in the madness of the day, nothing feels better or is more calming then hot water, steam and talking about your day with your favorite person.

Day sex or sex first: This is very important. Nights are hard and if you’re baby is waking you up every 2-3 hours at night you’re going to need to plan accordingly. Now I know not everyone has the pleasure of working with their spouse, but when my husband and I realized that our lunch break was a great time to run home for a quickie, we never not once hesitated. This has saved our sex life, because no offense, but our child is 100% the biggest cock blocker and I’m pretty sure he has some type of radar where he can sense we’re about to have sex because he just loves to wake up right as things are getting real good. So, day sex has worked wonders for us and even on the weekends when he takes his nap we usually will try to plan for it. Now if you can’t have day sex and you really have no way of meeting up on your lunch break or rushing home for a quickie with your spouse, then may I suggest “sex first”. Basically meaning, if you plan on having a date night; movie, dinner, show, whatever it may be…HAVE SEX FIRST and then possibly even last to end the night, if the baby is still sleeping. Having sex before you go on your date will leave you all lovely, relaxed and then if you’re not able to come home and have sex, you can sit back and appreciate the fact that you made it a priority and did it before anything else. You both go to bed content and feeling taken care of.

I hope this has all been as helpful to you as it has been for me. Sex is such an important part of our lives and it is extremely necessary to make your marriage work after having kids. If you’ve been struggling please know you’re not alone. There is nothing better for a new mom than to Commit to awakening her sexual self all over again or for the first time. You will find that intimacy and great Sex in your marriage is what makes true joy come full circle, it completely changes your whole self as a mom, a wife and a woman. I hope more than anything you will apply these tips to your marriage and refuse to let your sex life go.