I’m still here, but not there; there as in the trance of bent necks and unblinking eyes upon things that are often unattainable. For sometime now I have been on a needed “break” from the social media mayhem that often made me wonder and question myself “if I could only…” you could fill in that blank with anything really but for me it was usually thoughts along the line of: buy a house, get a new car, get more sleep, get my child to sleep, have a garden, paint the walls, hang canvases, lose weight, have my own business, make my own coffee table…all random but true thoughts. Not impossible things to have in life, just things that would pop into my mind the moment I would scroll past them on my phone, things that are just not attainable at this time in my life. I believe all of these things I wish to do would honestly bring me happiness, but they would eventually fade and I would search for the new task or the next best thing. The truth of it all, I was seeking to do things that would never truly bring me lasting joy, possibly short time happiness, but nothing compared to a joy that does not spring up from the world we live in. So, for some time and possibly for a bit longer, I decided to remove myself for a bit, so I could collect my whole self again. So I could find myself making time for a deeper prayer life and also find pure joy in everything I have, whether it be much or not.
*I highly advise this social media fast to anyone struggling with feeling like a zombie in the social world, especially new moms, or perhaps really anyone who thinks any less of them self than they should because of something they have seen/continue to see on social media.*
What ultimately brought me to this point has been our current situation. For over a year we’ve been in a season of waiting, though not always blatantly patient (me), definitely with faith(my husband) that God ultimately had a plan ahead. A plan so perfect that first he had to teach us true patience and show us just how beautiful life is even in the most difficult of situations. For the past several months we have had faith; while sometimes the smallest faith, yet still faith, without knowing what was ahead of us.
If you have never experience what I’m about to say, this may be something not worth your while to read, if you have you may possibly relate or even more so think to yourself “wow she hit the nail on the head”. Fact: Patience is a complicated word to swallow. Ahh yes, the lovely word that I have on repeat in my mind when my heart begins to race and I close my eyes tight for a moment of relief. I honestly have hated this word more than I have hated any word in my entire life, but I’m coming around to it and it’s meaning. Patience…It’s often said and thrown around by those who more than likely don’t have any idea about it and it’s prayed upon people who are surrounded by unfortunate circumstances, it is extremely often you will hear “just be patient, everything will work out in God’s perfect timing” tired of hearing that phrase yet? I know I was. If I’m honest, sometimes it still makes me want to scream into a pillow. Frequently hearing “be patient” mostly made me want to scream and go off on tangent this “patience” was and still is currently making me suffer from. So I get it, honestly I finally get it. I am there. I have been here for a while. Truth be told; I am living in a one bedroom with 3 people for almost a year now. Half my life is in storage. Many of what used to be my everyday belongings have now become a waste of space. My library. My crafts. My pictures. My favorite pan to cook with, all in storage and I have let it absolutely drive me nuts. Here’s the thing though, it is all just stuff, mostly meaningless especially when you look at it in the sense of “when I die, will any of this matter”. Really though it’s biblical, Things of this world will all pass away someday, so I have certainly learned not to become so attached to stuff. So trust me when I say: I. GET. IT. Everything I was used to doing, out the window and put on hold because God wanted to teach me an extremely important lesson about learning the true meaning of patience and what He has decided was the best remedy for my privileged, “I’m too good for this” attitude.
In this time of waiting and figuring out the true meaning of patience, mostly in the past but still sometimes sneaking up on me, I have come off as mean and rude. I have thrown fits, and cried my eyes out. I have found myself suffering from significant bouts of anxiety and sleep deprivation and no I don’t think God is punishing me, but I do think he was giving me time and allowing me to learn how to react wisely when difficult situations arise. I do think He was trying to prove to me that life is not just about me, but about others and what I can do in my life to help those who have a deeper need than mine. My difficulties are becoming my testimony. I see other people struggle and I can relate to them and them to me and that is a really beautiful testament of never being alone in life. Having to be patient is hard enough, but having to be patient alone with no one to turn to is so much more difficult on the journey. I found that when I started to act different and think different. God began to show us that our lesson would never be completed until we learned to act accordingly in His will. It does not work in anyone’s favor to be a in a constant state of self pity. If by now you have not learned to be calm and trusting, and your spirit is not constant through difficult seasons, you probably have not truly learned to be patient. True Patience is proven to bring you to the lowest points in your life that you never think you will see, but yet you arrive there and find that you have kept your joy and composure, relying completely on God through the situation.
I hope I’m am coming across as understandable. I hope this is relatable and thought provoking, because this lesson of patience is so important for everyone. I don’t want to make it seem as If I have it all figured out perfectly, but more so as if We as a family are always working to better ourselves and serve our God wholeheartedly. These last few months God has moved mountains and I mean literally, turned momentous situations into miracles and I am beyond amazed and grateful, but even more so overjoyed with how God always maps everything out so precisely. He is preparing us for something and I am at a loss to what it is, but I am enjoying the surprises and taking on the lessons with all the strength I can muster. For the time being I am doing my best to enjoy every moment. I take my time, have meaningful conversations, and enjoying the every day, normal moments I have with my family.
In this time, I want to be as close to God and my family as possible. I want to write so much more than I ever have. I want to read books and watch a series on Netflix (things I haven’t done in forever because I sat and suffered in my pity) and more than anything I want to dive deep into what God really has planned. I want to read his word consistently and pray more than I ever have. With all that God is about to do, I’m trusting that removing social media for some time has and will best prepare me for the continual miracles God has in store. I don’t know exactly what is going to happen, but I know it will all be beautiful, even if it’s messy and even if it’s hard, it will be worth it to have a clear mind and spirit away from the unproductive trap of social media that distracts me the most and away from the social media that makes me think any less of myself. I want to make it clear that I am not trying to belittle or degrade anyone who uses social media, because it is absolutely wonderful and so much fun, I am just sharing what has worked best for me. On a journey to find peace and joy; in real life.
First photo is a portrait taken by my husband a few days after I started my social media hiatus.
Second photo is by the wonderful Paulina Spletcha Photography
*Follow me on my blog The indecisive Momicles if you enjoy my writing.
*I am avoiding my most used social media for however long I feel fit, I will pop on and off occasionally, but will continue using Messenger as well as email for anyone who needs to contact me.
*For now: I’m avoiding Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat.