I wanted my first post to be about my birth, but that is taking a little bit longer to put my thoughts together, Not to mention my editor (Mrs. Tague) is a busy woman teaching 11th grade English and I know she is grading about 200 papers a week. I will share my birth story and I can gladly wait, because I want it to be a perfect description of just how beautiful and not so beautiful my birth really was.
I suppose I’m just going to start putting myself out there, in the sense of where I’m struggling and also doing really well. I love talking about this mom thing that about half the population is currently trying to figure out. Honestly though, I don’t think mothering or parenting is something that you ever completely figure out. I will proudly share that I have my baby on a great schedule and he’s finally giving me 4-5 hours of sleep at night. That is a true accomplishment,no really it is.
With a sleep schedule in order, I still however find something everyday in my life that is not in order. Here I sit still mindfully frustrated that I weigh less than I did before I entered pregnant life, and yet I still don’t like my body. I should mention that I used to prance around in a swimsuit all the time between the lovely ages of 16-19, but I have no intention of doing that now! I don’t even want to wear a swimsuit, I just wanna wear a high waisted skirt and not worry if it will fit my squishy belly. My mind is all over the place and here is why: The beginning of every week I tell myself I’m going to eat better and although I’m dying for that flat tummy, I also wanted ice cream last night when my husband told me it was on sale. I excitedly told him to send me a picture of what was on sale, he sends the picture and I, sure enough get angry and tell him, “Ahhhh! I don’t need to eat this”. Why was I mad at him? Partially because there was so many choices and partially because he told me ice cream was on sale. Not to mention my husband left the ironing board out and in my way in our room and I passive aggressively took it and Set it right in front of his desk (Yes I’m that girl). I was mad, not just because I wanted the ice cream and I know I shouldn’t eat it, or because the ironing board was in my way, but because so many things are in disarray in my life and I’m trying to calmly as possible keep it together. I was so annoyed that I had to find something that I could control. I laid EJ down to sleep and then, like a mad-woman, I made my bed as if I was expecting an A+ in bed-making skills. I looked at my bed took a deep breath in and then out and two seconds later I got in it to sleep. I need to have control of something. This is what my mind is constantly thinking, “What can I control?”
Complaining about life and the things it throws at me has put me in an almost constant state of frustration, and pity and I hate it. I know a lot of postpartum mamas’ struggle with this, I know I’m not alone. I wonder if I will get to a point where I’m not finding myself always so frustrated or indecisive. Maybe the only thing I have control of right now in my life is making sure my bed is made and my baby stays on schedule, and maybe I don’t quite fit into the high waisted skirt that I’ve been dying to wear since I bought it and then found I was pregnant, but I’ll get there. And I don’t need the ice cream, but I’m going to eat it, because I’m a mom and my husband bought it anyway and tells me my body is beautiful. And maybe my body is beautiful, shoot I’m 20 weeks out from having a baby and I feel great. So for now, all is well. I don’t need a perfect life, or perfect body just a good life and a healthy body. I need a life where I rely on God for my joy and not a single thing of this world. I need a life knowing I’m doing a good job raising my son and teaching him how to be a good and loving person. I need a life where I don’t push people away. And most importantly, I need a life where I love myself and every stage it brings me through. Maybe I am there, maybe the moments, good and not so good, are where I am suppose to be.
20 weeks pregnant, 40 weeks pregnant, 20 weeks postpartum (with cute baby)