Next stop, Purpose

I have been trying since returning from our vacation in mid March to write a blog on how we easily, yet cautiously, traveled with our toddler for the first time in the big city of Washington D.C. While I feel it is probably important to write about and share our experience traveling with our toddler, I think it’s been weighing on me to write about how I’ve been really feeling lately. To be completely honest, nothing super exciting or crazy is going on…at least not in this moment and possibly not for the next few weeks. Just to be clear, I’m not complaining, but I am in the process of mentally preparing little by little for the future. I know that everything always turns out to be fine, and I keep telling myself, “can you just relax?!” But, I’m a realist and when it comes down to it, I will sit there and talk about the things that need to get done, the important events I (we) have ahead, and the parts of my life I need to start preparing for. I will not deny that I worry an unhealthy amount. I unfortunately complain more than I should and I can be super obsessive about small things that are not practical. I keep saying “I have so much to do, so much I want to do and no time” the truth is I have more time now than I will in the next few months, I just don’t realize it. It’s obvious that I am feeling slightly overwhelmed, but when it comes down to doing nothing or doing a lot, I think I’m much rather prefer a season of growth and blossoming than feeling like I’m at a stand still in life or that I have nothing to look forward to. I am moving forward and that is a beautiful feeling, especially since it aligns with God’s will. I see it all the time, our Society and social media feeds can sometimes paint this picture that doing nothing, watching Netflix and staying at home all the time is really spectacular, when really this type of lifestyle can lead to depression, anxiety and insecurities, especially when you’re an overwhelmed mom, who just needs a gosh dang minute to herself. Although I’m not your average outgoing type of person, I do desire to help people and work towards something important as I see fit. So I am willing to enjoy these next few weeks of calm and enjoying time with my family, even if I am feeling a little nervous about what’s ahead. I think I’m 100% ready to be busy and working towards my purpose.

So whats all the reasoning behind me being a little on edge in these non busy moments? Well, these slow moments are about to start speeding up. In the next few months, my life is going to literally turn upside down. I will be laying a lot of my time out for myself and my future…That’s a lot to take in. That’s a lot to think about. There will be times, when my answer will have to be a flat out “NO”. In all fairness I honestly don’t give a lot of my own time to myself at all (except when I write or partially sleep). And this had me thinking, as a mother, why don’t I give myself more of me time? I of course know the answer, but I also don’t know why; even though it may be supported, as the mother it’s not often you see us working towards becoming more than just mothers. (unless of course that is what a woman wants more power to her.) Personally, I have decided that I need to be a mom with a passion past just working all the time, so that my own child can follow in my footsteps and find passion in the things he is lead to do. I have decided that I want to be a mother who is always moving forward, a mother with a career she is dedicated to, a mother who is driven. A mother who does not let the little road blocks in life overwhelm or consume her. In about 2 months I will be diving into new obstacles all the while working full time and still keeping my normal wifey and mommy duties. These new chapters include me going back to school, working towards becoming a certified lactation counselor, searching for a career in nutrition or lactation counseling, taking on a new ministry, celebrating my child’s second birthday and my husband’s 29th birthday, and allowing myself to be stretched a little thinner than usual.

I also want to express that these are not complaints. I am ecstatic and hopeful that I do well and push myself to succeed. I hope I can learn when to say yes and when to say no and to not feel pressured into something I know I am not fully committed to. I know for sure I am about to start doing things I never thought I would be doing, but I owe it not only to myself, but to my family to create a life that has purpose. I believe this to be true for all moms (and woman in general.) Find what works for you and move towards it, even if it’s the tiniest of baby steps. There is no wrong or right time to work towards bettering yourself. If I feel worth it, you should too!

“Hey” series: Part 2

Hey Wifey, married life is good, but no one told you how the bills were gonna pile up and how you would have to put off on your anniversary vacation for a while until you paid off that last credit card with high interest, trust me, you will pay it down. I know you probably noticed that you have put on a little weight, but if you’re healthy and happy, don’t let it eat away at you. Also your husband loves your body, with that being said, Don’t forget to love yourself. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy your spouse and let them enjoy you. Make where you live homey even if it is a rental. Buy things on clearance and grocery shop from a list with cut coupons in hand. Learn to organize and minimize now, because it will come in handy one day when tiny fingers are quick to make a mess. Make sure you see your gynecologist regularly…and decide if they will be the person who is by your side during your future pregnancy. Don’t put off your questions about sex, please make it a priority to really learn how to be intimate. Take care of yourself in a way that is important to you. Mani’s and pedi’s are nice, but have you ever tried drinking a cup of tea, while meditation music plays, as you open a fresh new book? Take care of your body now, appreciate her, fill her with goodness, in years time she will change and change fast. Wear the lingerie…even if it’s just for a minute. Cook breakfast at home. Sleep in when you’re able, but don’t let the day waste away. Buy a good mattress…and good pillows. Learn to be productive now because this will carry on into your motherhood. Time management is important. Make your lunch the night before. Find out if it’s gluten or dairy that bothers your stomach. Make coffee at home. Drink your weight in water. Save your money, but spend it every once in a while. Hang out with your unmarried friends and listen to your married friends. Learn to sew. Write down your monthly bills. Appreciate silence. Get a pet. Do nice things for a mom who is overly tired. And Make time: for God, For hubby, for family, for friends, and for you.

Reclaiming an intimately minded marriage

*Disclaimer and Fair Warning*

If you are not married, in a committed adult relationship, did not just have a baby or about to have a baby or if you’re not over the age of 18 you should probably refrain from reading this post. However, if you feel you are mature enough to read and not cringe or feel awkward reading this post, then by all means continue on. This subject is not to be taken lightly and because I am completely aware of that, please refrain from negatively commenting on this post or reporting it. This discussion is 100% natural, mature, and needed by so many. I would of never wrote this had I not seen a need and physically heard of needs for help.

Where to start…I guess I can give a little of my own background; let’s start with marriage because that’s literally where my sex life began. I was the type of wife who would refrain from experimenting when it came to intimacy or sex with my husband…it was bing, bang, boom! And done. Clean up. Shower. Then sleep. I was mostly content with it and I imagined my husband was too…except we weren’t, but both of us (mostly me) were too shy and nervous to try new things. Before marriage or babies Many construed ideas contributed to my feelings about sex and that was mostly because I knew nothing about it. I honestly thought sex would just be really beautiful, feel really good, and just happen every single day for the rest of our lives…and I have to be honest it was nothing like that for us after getting married. I used to feel dirty or ashamed after sex with my husband and those feeling all attributed to just not realizing and being taught that this beautiful gift from God was literally suppose to make me feel beautiful, happy, intimate, sexy and close to my husband. I was clueless and uninformed. No one explained that sex might hurt, or that you really had to work on being intimate. Now as an adult I realize talking to your mature children about sex is really important for their future and it will help them in the long run (another topic for another day). About 2 1/2 years into marriage we threw a baby into the mix and sex or any touching was off the table for quite a while. It was rather a non-discussed topic, a far away dream, even a long lost friend and I felt completely hopeless. After having our baby, Not only did I hate sex or was scared to try it again, but now I didn’t even want to be touched or seen naked. I had to realize a much needed truth, Sex is so beneficial and needed to feel connected in marriage! Thankfully After almost 5 years of marriage, after a baby, and even with my squishy postpartum body, I’m blessed to say I’m having fun, beautiful and feel good sex and finally the most amazing intimate relationship with my husband. It was not easy. We’ve had a lot of awkward conversations. We’ve basically had to start over from scratch. Forget what the world and mainstream media says sex has to be and made it our own magic…Now I’ve decided that one of my missions in life is to make sure not only My husband and I are enjoying sex, but that others; after marriage, and after baby, are too. Sex needs to be an open conversation, not hidden away or looked down upon, but because it is, people are suffering, good marriages and strong relationships are really suffering. Sex is perhaps the most normal part of life and it should be treated as such in marriage. There must come a time when people stop gasping and acting shocked when hearing that sex can and should be fun for both parties and in turn take a seat and listen, take time and really figure what works for one another in their relationship. Need advice? in pain? never in the mood? Depressed? Please talk to your doctor! See a pelvic floor therapist or even just a regular therapist! Get help! just don’t suffer. Ask the questions you think no one asks, because trust me everyone is thinking the same thing you are. Let today be the day that you refuse to let this very important part of your relationship fade away.

Having sex after having a baby basically goes something like “Hey I know we had sex to make this baby and you’ve seen me naked about a billion times, I also know what you’ve seen my body go through during childbirth…so this is awkward because I feel like a potato and I really don’t want you to look at any part of my body…especially my vagina! But I’m going to let you put your penis inside of it. Ugh! Maybe…possibly. We’ll see when we get there. Just give me time and don’t rush me and I’m probably going to wear this oversized Harry Potter T-shirt the whole time. Okay? “

It’s so common for new moms to act like they are fine after having a baby, that their life, their parenthood and their sex life is perfect, when it might be so far from it. These words are as realistic and raw all at once and more than likely going to make you check over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking. In all seriousness some very important, needed truths and aides are about to get laid down and you’ll want to pay close attention and take notes whether you are pre or post kids. The way I’ve laid this out Is in list form because that’s what I love most and it’s easier to come back to. I’ll be discussing what has helped in my marriage and then get more into detail. I’m doing this because maybe some of these ideas you’ve never thought to try…or maybe you have decided there is no such thing as desirable sex after a baby and you need help finding your sexual self again. You may possibly want to screen shot your most favorite points in this post and send to your spouse because you’re absolutely determined to enjoy sex again. I don’t know how this will help you, but I am 100% sure it can. My mission is that you’ll find relief in knowing that your sex life is not over after a baby. Sex is extremely important and I’m happy to say great sex and intimacy after having a baby is possible, but baby steps may be required. I was shocked to find actual good and useful information about getting back into the “groove” of things and my reaction when I started my own journey back to enjoying sex has been absolute relief. It has taken time and discussions with my husband. Regaining my sexual being took a lot of Researching, reading blogs and listening to podcasts (fkn honey and the milk and honey podcast), and praying specifically for my husband and I to find intimacy again. I had to figure out what worked for me and my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still have hard days and as much as I love my husband, I still struggle. I have this love hate relationship with my body and that hate can easily pour over into hating anything to do with sex and I know many moms can relate to these feeling. Try to work on avoiding thoughts that creep in so easily “does he think I’m fat?” Or the “I wonder if he notices my stretch marks” Girl…trust me it is the furthest, if even at all on his mind. Being intimate with my husband after having a baby was really hard, but it was so important for our marriage to function and for us to be close again. And so we begin, yes I said begin, that whole montage was just to prepare you and make sure you’re willing and ready to be here for this conversation. So grab your preferred drink, and snack make sure you have about 30 minutes…let’s get started!

Intimacy again:

1. Self care

2. Check yo self

3. Day dates

4. Long kisses

5. Be promiscuous

6. Mid-day Touching

7. 5 minute Massages

8. Plan your sex

9. The 3 minute game

10. Shower together

11. Day sex or sex first

Consider this list before having a baby and if you’re trying to become pregnant as well. These are important and crucial for our relationships to function once baby is here and of course after you are cleared for sexual activity from your doctor.

Self care: Look, you have to care for yourself before you jump back into the mindset of sex and pleasure. If you’re not happy with yourself, your body, you habits, the way your nails or hair look…you’re going to think about how tired and unappreciated you are and sex is going to come very far and few between just because you don’t feel beautiful or appreciated enough for it. Take time on yourself. Even if that means having someone watch your baby while you sit in a Coffee shop for an hour reading or if you take two hours off of work to take a nap and do a face mask. Start a hobby. Start exercising. Just care for yourself. It doesn’t have to be big, but it has to be important. This need must be met in order for you to find the beauty in your intimacy as well accepting the importance of your sex life again. If you’re taken care of out of the bedroom then you’re much more likely to make sure you’re taken care of in the bedroom.

CHECK YO SELF

How’s your vagina? Is it dry? Itchy? Are you breastfeeding? If so you’re going to have to really work to get “in the mood”. Breastfeeding really puts you in “mom only” mode therefore husband’s prepare to put in the work to get your wife in the mood, it’s gonna take a lot of gentle touch and patience. If you have never needed to use lubrication before, you may find that you need it and that’s totally normal. You can thank your hormones for basically turning off your vaginal fluid faucet, but just know pleasure is not that far out of your reach. Coconut oil is amazing lubricant or just good ole K.Y. Maybe your vagina hurts and feels like it’s falling out…maybe you tore after childbirth or maybe your c-section scar makes your whole lower pelvis always feel constantly tense, (hi, me!) well there is a specialist for all of this. It’s called a Pelvic Floor Therapist, these geniuses help women get their pelvic floor back into shape. I personally never saw one because I practiced a lot of muscle stretches and self care massages on my own after doing a ton of research and realizing I needed to release a lot of tension. You may think this sounds silly, but there are professional people who can help you have comfortable sex after childbirth especially if you’re finding sex extremely painful or if you’re unable to be touched at all. Talk to your Doc or Midwife and request a referral to see a pelvic floor therapist if you’re at the 6 weeks mark and still not quite ready to try sex again. You may also want to take a look down there for yourself. Seriously. Take out the mirror and look at your vagina. Get an idea of what you’re working with. She is yours to take care of and you need to get to know her in her new found glory. Get to know your vagina and you’ll get to have your orgasms back.

Day dates: Ready to start exploring sex again with your partner but feeing nervous around them even though they just saw the worst of you during childbirth? Yea…that’s postpartum for you. The best thing you can do right now; Go on a day date and Talk with your lover about where you want to start with sex again. While on this day date, be sure to Hold hands, wear something cute, talk about getting away together, Enjoy your favorite fast food, take a walk together, and yes, talk about those sex positions you want to try. Even if you Take just two hours to enjoy one another, in public, this will help immensely. Try to discuss getting back into having sex again and discuss what you want and how you want it. Day dates will bring you closer together and give you that one on one time you need together without having to tend to your little one constantly.

LONG KISSES: This is important! You’re going to forget about kissing each other in the midst of having a new little kissable baby around then all the sudden you forget what it’s like making out or even just kissing your spouse. So my advice, even if you’re not able to have sex in the moment or perhaps your body is just not ready…try to remember to kiss just because or if baby is asleep, make out. Sometimes this helps relax you and can often lead to other things, and that is totally perfect! Kiss intentionally and passionately…there are always “other things” that can be done if either of you get in the mood but you’re not doctor cleared.

Mid-day touching: This does not have to be sexual unless you of course want it to be. Touching, massaging, caressing, playing with hair, rubbing your spouse’s back…these are all ways you can ask or be asked to be touched. Touching during the day, even when you’re not cleared for sex can help avoid tension or awkwardness in the bedroom, especially when you do start having sex again. Also this is for the dads: Be sure to touch your wife gently, avoid her vaginal area until you know she’s ready and always, always ask if she wants to be touched even if she’s “doc cleared” you want to be 100% sure you’re not setting each other up for a turn down, tension or a fight. Our postpartum bodies are extremely tender and we’re still trying to navigate them just as much as you are. The basic rules of touching our postpartum bodies: Be gentle, ask permission, and don’t assume we’re ready/asking for sex if we want a massage.

Be promiscuous: Finally ready for sex? You’ve talked about it, discussed what you would try and how, and the pain has finally subsided…but where do you begin!? This is a fun way to get things hot and heavy again. Try the moves and positions you’ve always wanted! If you want to dance for your partner, then dance, strip, tease them…make getting back into sex and awakening your sexual self fun and almost like it’s brand new all over again. Being promiscuous can also be something you do while you’re out and about…and you know what I mean. Being secretively promiscuous in public makes it so much more fun when you get home. Always, always follow through and let sex be an exciting adventure.

Take turns doing 5 minute massages: I am talking whole body massages and really working and taking your time on the areas of the body that need it most. This is a good way to become comfortable with physical touch again especially since being home with a newborn all day can make you feel very touched out and tense. Allow yourself to melt in your significant others hands…also use coconut oil…because most times massages can turn into sex and coconut oil is the best lubricant.

Plan you sex: I know this may sound weird, but I’m convinced any couple with kids must do this in order to have a great sex life. When you plan anything intentionally; you make sure it gets done. I used to think this was dumb and would lead to boring sex, but ever since we’ve planned having sex at least twice a week we 100% stay committed to our plans and sometimes we’re even able to squeeze in more. I’ve also heard that this is beneficial for couples who may not have kids, but still live extremely busy lives. If you feel you ever put sex last or you’re not making it a priority, plan it and watch that change. Trust me, planning time away from everything just to be intimate or to have sex with the person you love most really puts everything else you do or plan into perspective.

The 3 minute game: This game has helped grow our intimacy and has allowed us to really get to know what the other likes physically. I learned about this game from a sex therapist, mind you I would of thought something I’m about to tell you is lame and not worth your time, but after doing it myself I’ve will always vouch for it and preach that it is so worth it and so beautiful. Here is the way it works; You ask your partner “What would you like me to do to you for your pleasure” and you do that thing for a least 3 minutes with permission. Then you ask “What would you like to do to me for your pleasure” and proceed to do that physical thing for 3 minutes or more. Then you flip the questions and your spouse asks you these same questions. The beautiful thing about this game is it really gives you an idea of what you and your spouse find pleasure in; weather it be sexual or not…because pleasure does not always have to mean its sexual. You can ask for them to play with your hair, run their fingers over your body, massage your feet, kiss every freckle or birthmark they find. Pleasure is something that you enjoying doing or have being done to you, if this game leads to sex; perfect! If not, then that’s okay to. Use this to learn more about one another intimately and physically. And remember to PLAN a night to play the game. Our first time doing this was a two hour long night of the most beautiful, much needed intimacy and I think we were both extremely pleased sexually and just overall mentally.

Shower together: Now with a newborn I can see why you made hold off on this, however it never hurt to drag the rock-n-play with the sleeping baby inside to the bathroom while you enjoy a hot, relaxing shower together. It also helps that the shower has a white noise effect. If you’re finding it hard to be naked around your significant other this is a perfect opportunity to find your comfort with them again, showering together will help you relax and allow them to become familiar with your new body. This does not have to lead to hot, steamy shower sex, however it’s totally fine if it does and it’s super easy clean up, but this can just be the time you spend together, relaxed, talking about your day, or letting your spouse wash your hair or help you shave. Showering together will leave you both with a sense of peace and calm and hopefully ready for bed. Make a point to do this at least once a week because in the madness of the day, nothing feels better or is more calming then hot water, steam and talking about your day with your favorite person.

Day sex or sex first: This is very important. Nights are hard and if you’re baby is waking you up every 2-3 hours at night you’re going to need to plan accordingly. Now I know not everyone has the pleasure of working with their spouse, but when my husband and I realized that our lunch break was a great time to run home for a quickie, we never not once hesitated. This has saved our sex life, because no offense, but our child is 100% the biggest cock blocker and I’m pretty sure he has some type of radar where he can sense we’re about to have sex because he just loves to wake up right as things are getting real good. So, day sex has worked wonders for us and even on the weekends when he takes his nap we usually will try to plan for it. Now if you can’t have day sex and you really have no way of meeting up on your lunch break or rushing home for a quickie with your spouse, then may I suggest “sex first”. Basically meaning, if you plan on having a date night; movie, dinner, show, whatever it may be…HAVE SEX FIRST and then possibly even last to end the night, if the baby is still sleeping. Having sex before you go on your date will leave you all lovely, relaxed and then if you’re not able to come home and have sex, you can sit back and appreciate the fact that you made it a priority and did it before anything else. You both go to bed content and feeling taken care of.

I hope this has all been as helpful to you as it has been for me. Sex is such an important part of our lives and it is extremely necessary to make your marriage work after having kids. If you’ve been struggling please know you’re not alone. There is nothing better for a new mom than to Commit to awakening her sexual self all over again or for the first time. You will find that intimacy and great Sex in your marriage is what makes true joy come full circle, it completely changes your whole self as a mom, a wife and a woman. I hope more than anything you will apply these tips to your marriage and refuse to let your sex life go.

Decided

I am living, But I hate to think that I’m doing too much of something that allows me to only just be alive and not feel like I’m living a life of worth. Routine may seem ideal for some, and I won’t lie it has saved me when I felt lost as a new mother, but now it has bored me to my very core and I wonder what I would be doing now if I never returned back to work from maternity leave. Would I have it all together? Would I be happy or burnt out? I really don’t know, but I think for a while my routine was meant to unveil new ideas and options for my future self and allow me to control my unwelcome anxiety. My focus is to flourish my mind and my overall being past routine. My desire is to make it so that my life isn’t about how much money I have saved or what possessions I have. My dream is not to own a large house with a ton of space. I don’t care about big brands or large furniture, all I need are my basic necessities for living, my family (and pets), as well as my relationship with God to help me lead a life with simplicity as key, adventure in mind and joy as a constant.

In my writing I often speak of how I want my child to live a meaningful life, but I look at my own and realize “can I help him learn to live a simple, joyful and uncluttered life if I am doing the complete opposite” this is an obvious answer and there is so much meaning behind “raise them up right”. What is right or good or even well behaved, when you sometimes don’t even know if what you’re doing as a parent is right or going to help your child as they grow. There is so much I have yet to learn and experience when it comes to being a mom before I can even give advice or write about it, but I’m wanting to walk this path with an open mindedness and willpower that trickles down to my child and his life. I want my child to avoid having a one track mind, I want him to be adventurous and capable, and I want to be cheering him on in his endeavors while I’m experiencing fulfillment on my own side of the fence. I know this can’t be done alone and I’m trusting 100% that with the help of God and my family, I will find balance and security in minimizing my life’s possessions and routines.

I know I have time, not a lot but some, so I have to make a change somewhere and as I begin to make this change, my presence will be less but enough to still keep doing what I love most. I will continue filling up my notes and your feed with my writing and thoughts and hopes and dreams and advice and love and knowledge and abilities. If I’m absent for a while it’s because I’m working on the declutter process, which can be something that takes a lot of time and thought and energy. I will document my process and discuss my ups and downs as always.

For now my little family’s future is my fuel to keep this movement a priority and to find lasting joy for all of us.

Stages

I’ve been warned. I’ve been told over and over “Just wait till he does this” and another one I often hear “Wow he’s already so big and almost a year”. Oh my word, Yes I know! Trust me, while I try to enjoy and be in the moment with each new stage, now that he’s almost 11 months old, I feel like:

I’m watching a show series but it’s on fast-toward and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it, but just try to grasp each and every single thing, without missing anything but while also getting up for popcorn for 8 hours during the series and missing a whole season. Does that make sense? This is hard. This is so much harder than anyone makes it out to be.

So in this stage of my baby’s life I’m just trying to let this boy be who he wants to be. I’m letting him explore more and experience more. I’m letting him stay up past his bedtime (only on weekends) and I’m watching him so closely, because I don’t want to miss anything, but also because he’s always getting into something. I’m letting him be an ‘almost’ one year old. As much as I want him to grow up healthy, strong, and as much as I desire for him to be super smart and loving and on fire for God, I want to keep him little too. I’m holding on to him longer at night after he has longed finished nursing and fallen asleep and I rock him and admire all his perfect baby features. I hope to always be able to soothe and comfort him even when over time my methods are different.

For now I am clinging to these baby moments so closely and praying that time would stand still. When the baby moments do fade, with each new year, I hope he knows just how much I love him and would do anything for him. I hope he sees that I’m here with each new stage, learning and adjusting just as he is and doing my best to let him grow.

Motherhood

Is it okay for me to say I love motherhood so much and I could never turn back from it, but still at times, feel stressed out because of it? I’m gonna just answer that for myself and say, yes. If you disagree, you can stop right…. Here!

In the last 10 months, my understanding of new motherhood has become; I don’t always need advice, just sometimes a listening ear. I just need to feel what I am feeling and not be told that it’s wrong. And maybe I do need a break every once in a while, but it does not mean I love my baby any less. I need love, I need to care for my self without feeling selfish. Mothers need support even when you don’t understand them. They need to be content in their decision making and without opinions like knives to the heart. We don’t always know what we’re doing, but we do always what we think is best.

Let us be mothers. New mothers and old mothers. Mothers who are still trying to get it together and mothers who seem like they have it together, but probably don’t. Let us feel good without judgement when we put on our favorite piece of clothing (even if it doesn’t fit so well). Let us buy something for ourselves and not feel guilty. Tell us we’re doing a good job. Tell us it’s okay to need a break. Give us time to reply to your text. Give us time to scroll on social media and post if we feel like it. Give us credit for not being perfect, but for being honest.

Motherhood is so many ups and downs. When motherhood is new, It is pure, it is all we think we know and all we thought we knew. Give us time to grasp the role we now have. Give us time to learn on our own. Give us time to break and mend, because that is what makes good, sturdy, don’t take no crap mothers.

Time is precious

Time is certainly precious

Said often, meant well, but sometimes overwhelming to hear, Time is precious. I know. I know it when I see my child figure out something new or when he looks in my eyes and smiles. I’m fully aware. I am doing my best. I am doing all that I can to be present. Time is precious, but life moves on as though it never stops, there is a perplexing truth in moving forward yet staying still, we’re flying and diving into older age and new seasons, but I am staying right where I have always been.

Time is so precious. My heart is so weary. My mind is constantly on, bright and ready to dwell in all that is there to think of, even if my heart is tired. My brain is like a computer, never turned off and with a million tabs opening a second. So much information, but sitting still, so very still.

Time is precious, so why would I leave with unfinished business and go elsewhere, then who would be there for truth and honesty.

Time is precious, but I’m stuck. Here. Stuck because I’m scared. Stuck because I cringe at change. Stuck because no one ever pushed me to go and do something other than sleep and work. That someone should of been me, but time was precious and the beach and bed was calling.

Time is precious, but money is important. Bill are always there. Money is needed, for obvious reasons, but I don’t care for it, it is not helping.

Time is precious, and yet there is a fence that I sit on and contemplate about how time goes by slow, like when your husband is gone for a week, but it feels like a year, but also how its is so unfairly fast, because 9 months came and went and I am trying to figure how to prepare for a crawling/walking toddler.

And what do I do to become a better reader, writer, creator, supporter, (real)feminist, wife and mother. Because time is so darn precious, but a picture I paint in my mind is not in sight!

Time is precious, but I have to be careful not to offend, be careful not to overwhelm or drawl attention to the doubting, opinionated, public eye. Time is precious, but don’t cry over it. Everyone has to deal with the same things I do. Am I weak If I complain? Am I weak for being honest?

Time is precious and yes while I write, I take my time, but I only write while my child sleeps and I count his breaths, making sure I don’t miss one. MAKING SURE HE SOUNDS OKAY! MAKING SURE I’M THERE FOR HIM IF HE WAKES UP. MAKING SURE I’M THE BEST MOM JUST IN CASE I DON’T SEE ANOTHER DAY. MAKING SURE I SOAK IN EVERY SINGLE SECOND I GET TO BE WITH HIM EVEN IF HE IS SLEEPING.

Time. Is. Precious.

So if time is so precious, I am ready to back down from my daily fights and live as if this statement is true.

I’m tired of the social norms.

I’m tired of hearing “it’s just for a short time”

I’m tired of not enough space, but plenty of it somewhere else.

I’m tired of judgement.

I’m tired of social media.

I’m tired of what’s classified as right and wrong.

I’m tired of grudges.

I’m tired of guilt.

I’m tired of caring so much for things that have no value to my life.

Time is precious and I’m ready to move forward with what it offers.

What really matters

11:59pm

Head hits pillow.

Eyes close.

Out.

EJ Cries. 

Check time “3:34am”

“It’s okay it’s okay, Mama’s here” 

Nurse EJ.

EJ falls back to sleep while nursing and I just leave him in bed next to me.

4:02am I fall back asleep.

5:30am Alarm. 

sleeps through.

5:45am alarm.

Eddie shoves me.

Snooze several times.

Finally open eyes 6:05am 

Try to nurse very sleepy EJ. He resists and continues sleeping.

I Look at the floor.

Try’s to calculate how many hours of sleep I actually got.

Crawls out of bed. 

Searches for slippers.

Steps on a pieces of litter searching for slippers.

Finds slippers. 

Wipes feet.

Thinks to self “I should train my cats to use the toilet. 

Thinks to self “with what time?”

Stumbles to bathroom.

Looks at self in the mirror.

Shakes head.

Sits on toilet. 

Think about what I want for breakfast.

Looks at Facebook. Gives advice in some Facebook groups. Closes it.

Looks at Instagram. Closes it.

Looks at the weather. Closes it.

Look at early morning Snapchat’s from grandma. Closes it.

Pray for patience and protection. 

*Get sidetracked*

Holds head in hands on toilet for 5 minutes thinking about nonsense.

Gets up. 

Brushes teeth. 

Goes to wash face…glances at time.

6:24am

Quickly Wets face. Dries it.

Runs to closet.

Throws on a skirt. Too tight.

Throws on a old, ugly maxi skirt. Leave it on.

Searches for black socks for 10 minutes.

Wear mixed match black socks. Anxiety sets in that I’ve lost a sock mate

Looks at self in Mirror.

Thinks to self “I need to pluck my eye brows”

Grabs flabby tummy with hands and shakes it. Screams in head “WHY!!!” 

Wants to cry. Wants to sit on floor.

Puts on baggy work shirt instead.

Trips over cat

Back in bathroom.

Looking at my face again. Wonders if make-up would even help.

Reassures self in head “you don’t need make up, you don’t have money to even buy make up”

Look at my hair.

Puts coconut oil in ends of hair.

Puts dry shampoo in top of hair.

Wonders when the last time I washed my hair was.

Puts hair in bun.

Re-pins bun several times.

Thinks about how much I hate the state my hair is in.

Rummages through laundry for clean breast pads.

Finds mix matched ones. Uses anyway…tries to avoid anxiety.

Grabs EJs milk from fridge. 

Run to kitchen.

Makes bottles.

Cats meowing loudly.

Stop making bottles.

Feed cats.

Spills food. 

Cats eat the food on the floor.

EJs starts to whine.

Wash hands.

Two more bottles left to make.

Bottles done and bagged on counter.

Runs to room.

Shhhhhhs EJ. 

Yell-whisper at Eddie to comfort him.

Eddie snuggles up close to him and EJ starts babbling.

Grabs purse, diaper bag, bottle bag, pumping bag, lunch box, 2 water bottles, blanket, teething toys. 

Sets up in perfect line on kitchen counter. 

Runs back to room.

Gently picks up EJ.

Lays Ej on the changing table. 

Remove pjs while EJ tries to roll over.

EJ whines.

I Sing “good morning to you, the birds are chirping, and EJ you’re okay, you’re the okayest you’ve ever been”

EJ laughs.

Change EJs diaper.

Grabs onesie…realizes it’s 3-6 months, tries to put on EJ anyway.

Doesn’t fit over his head.

Throws back in drawer.

Grabs 9 month onesie, puts on EJ. 

Sit in rocking chair with EJ.

Feed EJ for 10 minutes.

Searches for bib for 5 minutes.

Lay EJ back on bed. 

Tell Eddie to watch him while I start and load car. 

Grab my 5 bags. 

Quickly walk to door.

Tries to unlock car with clicker. 

Clicker battery has been dead for about 4 weeks. 

Manually unlocks car.

Throws bags in front seat.

Runs back inside

Picks up EJ.

Kiss Eddie goodbye

Discreetly try to make my side of the bed. 

Turn off bathroom light. 

Leave door cracked for needy cats.

Leaves house.

Buckle EJ in his car seat. 

Tell him I love him a billion times.

Get in car. 

Start car.

Pull out of drive way. 

Try to decide what Dunkin’ Donuts to get coffee at.

Proud We made it out of the house at 7:01am 

Does anyone else ever look at their life like this? Maybe this is just a mom thing, but we really do so much in the morning. Mornings are rough. Being a mom is rough. Anxiety is exhausting and comes in many forms. Ugh this is hard and I wanna cry sometimes…is that okay?! I can’t put on a front and say this is easy and that I’m always happy and have my life together because I don’t, but I’m really trying. I have found that journaling my morning or even evening routines has helped calm me in some sense. I am able to review what Takes me the most time and what I can do differently. I’ve also tried to think more positively and not let the little things frustrate me as much, like mixed-matched socks or litter on the floor. It’s a lot easier said than done that is for sure, but I’m trying to take each day and realize what really matters and what is actually important. 

Mommin’, ministry and making memories

I love my life now, but I miss my old life sometimes and I think that’s okay. I often find that I have mixed emotions about the new and old me. There are times when I look back and I miss having the time to take a relaxing bubble bath or taking the time to try out new recipes. I miss music ministry both adult and youth. I miss having long chats with my husband late at night. I really miss my target trips. I miss being able to take the time to get into deep prayer by myself. I miss all these things, but I would never change my life now. The deeper I go into motherhood I love it more and more. I love waking up early Saturday morning and reading to EJ or watching him play in our bed. 

 I love watching him try new foods. I love singing to him and making up songs, and dancing with him during worship in church. I sometimes love the rush of having to take him somewhere and hope he naps the whole time. 

 I love when all three of us, Eddie, myself and EJ all spend time together, no matter what it may be. I enjoy giving EJ a bath and watching him splash and grab his bath Toys. So I may miss my old life sometimes, but my heart is full and my time is well spent. My old life is but a faint memory that I am so thankful for, but I am also thankful for the change motherhood has brought me. The beautiful thing about motherhood is, no matter my situation or circumstance, I find joy in each day. I focus my attention on EJ and his needs. I pray everyday for EJ, my husband and my whole family. I find that motherhood and mothering is ministry. I find that I am, without even trying, teaching my son about family time, prayer time and routine. These things are very important in a family and they usually are what create peace and security. So while many times I may feel like I’m sometimes missing out on the big things, I’m really not. If my son grows up and becomes a great man, who loves his family and those around him, who does his best to make time for prayer and family time, Who strives to stick to routine so that his life runs smoothly, then I am doing work for the kingdom of God. I am striving to make a well-rounded good, Christian man out of this kid and that in itself is a ministry I am thankful to be apart of.