I get it. It’s easy to place judgement on the mom who displays 10 second video on Instagram of her kid having a moment of joy or maybe even throwing a tantrum. It’s easy to wonder why I say “I don’t have enough time in a day” when I’m sitting on the couch on my phone, filming my kid. I know the assumptions roll in “she has too much time on her hands if she can make time to sit on the couch” or “does she ever not film her kid” or another I even find myself thinking about others “They have such a great life, I wish I was as happy as them” but in all absolute honesty, here is what’s really going on behind the squares and the assumptions. The wheels in my brain don’t stop turning, it’s like I practically await for frustrations or issues to pop up. And so I start the list making process in hopes to avoid late bills and an unhappy family or a mom who burns herself out and finds herself under debilitating depression and unable to get anything done. Does the list making help? Maybe. Does it drive me to insanity. Absofrikinlutly. But here are the thoughts and list of a mom doing her best.
Budgeting months ahead in hopes to afford to pay of debt while also planning for Christmas time. Trying to make extra money on the side by doing photography gigs, and selling things that no longer fit my body while trying not being depressed about it. Trying to also pay attention to my child while working on my phone. Dreading having to scoop the litter box after rocking EJ to sleep. Wondering if I budgeted everything for the month correctly because we have an extra $40, going back over every last bill at least 10 more times to make sure they were paid. Promising myself that I’ll start working out next month, then remembering I start school next month as a married woman, with a child and full time job, and laughing at that very thought. Constantly coming up with ideas for my imaginary business. “Family…first 48 Photographer, Postpartum doula, Lactation Counselor…” Trying to figure out why my kid had a whole hour…yes your read that right WHOLE HOUR meltdown after we got home. Is he sick? Is he in pain? Is he just a 2 year old with a brain working 100 miles per hour and he overloaded and took a short nap. Ding ding ding! I mean someone might as well died with the amount of tears shed. Mentally keeping note of another reason why we’re not having another baby and shoving my list of really unique baby names to the back of my notes. Planning to visit family on weekends and noting that I need to text all my friends (who know I’m busy, but love me anyway) so that we can go on dinner dates and talk about life. Noting that I should request my husband make breakfast for dinner every Monday, not just because it’s easy and yummy, but because we’re usually broke and it basically cost us $3 to eat like royalty. Trying to make plans. Trying to afford the plans. Trying not to get frustrated with people who have no idea what goes on in our life and to stop assuming we’re ignoring them. Asking myself if I read any part of the Bible today? Nope. Cool. Gotta do that. Trying to plan to take a day off from work…just so I can clean. Taking off a day of work to spend time with my husband for his birthday…just the two of us, because we haven’t been on a date since my birthday in December and now we’re finally going on a date for his birthday in July. 6 months without a date. Phew. Mentally noting to budget for a babysitter at least once a month. Wishing I could afford a babysitter weekly. Wishing we could afford dates weekly. Still making mental note of why it is not wise to have another child. Thinking kind thoughts when people ask when we’re gonna try for another. Wondering why we bought a brand new car. Then shutting myself up with, “you’re so blessed, stop complaining” then remembering I am human and allowed to feel and express myself, even if it’s just to myself and God. Thanking God for good health. Making note to pray with EJ at night. Making note to read him a book every night before I rush him to sleep. Making note to brush, pet and love on my cats. Keeping homeschooling in the back of my mind and in prayer and wondering how we will ever afford it. Wishing I had a limitless gift card to target and Aldi. Making my lists for next weeks groceries. Asking my husband if he needs anything, him replying “no” as usual. Wondering if we will be able to afford a family vacation next year. Already making plans for our tax money. Wondering if we will ever buy a house, and reminding myself that we will refuse all help when it comes to paying for it and repairing it. Keeping tabs on when my husband needs to apply for school and making it my goal to encourage him and motivate him to go to school for whatever he wants. Setting a reminder to make EJ his first dentist appointment. Setting a remind to get my blood work done for my high liver levels…yet kinda avoiding it for fear of bad news of a strict diet. Reminding myself to make us all dentist and eye doctor appointments. Keeping note to Love my husband the way he wants to be loved and reminding him the way I need to be loved. Adding to the list of words that EJ now says, it may be short, but I’m so proud of it. Trying not to offend anyone by saying no. Praying that I don’t let the ways of the world, the desires of what I want and frustration of having to wait, get to me. Allowing God to move in my life and Remembering to trust in him even when things are tight, in terms of money and clothes.
If you’ve come this far. Welcome to basically every woman’s mind. We’re a mess of overwhelming thoughts, ideas, dreams, insecurities, and doubts on the inside. All while still being magnificent, powerful, willing, nurturing and brave on the outside. Absolutely unreal, yet so very real.
(Written while sitting in my closet)
Still a good mom 